Dirty Dancing — The remake.

This movie is SHIT!!!

 

We get it, ABC. You are so progressive! You are totally into that, “I am womYn, hear me ROAR,” shit. She wants to be a DOCTOR because HER DAD is one, and how DARE her sister want to be a HOUSEWIFE? LET US SHAME HER!

Know how I know this? Because that’s all Baby fucking talked about. The feminine mystique! How dude’s dance partner is brainwashed because there is power in letting go (being led during dance).

But that’s not what I am mad about.

I am mad because I am not a huge Dirty Dancing fan, and this movie managed to have me ready to commit Hari Kiri, because it is SHIT!!

The actors have no chemistry, what so freaking ever. The dude who played Johnny is like the Kristen Stewart of male actors, with one expression the entire time, and that expression was, “I have no idea why I am here.”

But ya know what, ABC? Remakes tend to blow. They usually always suck. That’s not what really set me off.

What really set me off is in a movie about dancing, nobody can fucking dance. You made me use the eff word. Nobody can effing dance. Even Nicole ICan’tSpellherlastname from the Pussycat Dolls is just… MEH. She looked so bored the entire time. Everybody looked so damn bored. Speaking of bored, I was more interested in her pregnancy/abortion angle, than ANYTHING else in this entire movie. For real. That was the more interesting part. I didn’t give nine shits about Baby’s parents, but you sure as hell made sure to tell me all about that.

But! But! I could have forgiven that. Want to know what my biggest gripe is? Do you really want to know? I am about to address the elephant in the room, quite literally. I am going to address something everybody else is afraid to, for fear of being called “something phobic,” or a “something shamer.”

That’s right. The actress who played Baby.

What were you thinking? She’s a great actress, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe her as a dancer. I take a look at her, and know that nobody will believe she is a part of that dancing crew that is supposedly employed by this place. Whereas Jennifer Gray at least looked like she could have been a full-time employee.

Remember, the full-time dancer ran off and got knocked up and had to get an abortion, so she couldn’t do it. They had to get a replacement. A replacement that is convincing to the crowd.

Abigail Breslin was too big to be Baby. Sorry, call me a shamer or whatever you want to (I used to weigh 250lbs, and I’m 145 now, so it seriously doesn’t bother me.), but I know I am correct, because in the iconic lift scene at the end, the actress has to push herself up off of his shoulders.

You read that right. She pushed herself up. If you go back and watch Jennifer Gray do it, she keeps her arms out from the second she “leaps” off the ground. Watch this one? She places her hands on his shoulders and quickly pushes herself up. Not to mention the look on her face looks like she’s surprised it all happened, too. Jennifer Gray, on the other hand, had the look of, “Yep. Nailed it!” Ya know, a look of confidence, like she knew she could do it the whole time.

Even during the lake scene, you could see dude was having trouble holding her up.

The thing is, Abigail Breslin isn’t fat at all. She’s a bit chubby, but it’s “normal” chubby. The other thing is dancers are very thin. Dancers are very lean.  They put their bodies through a lot of work. Jennifer Gray had a dancer’s build, and was believable. Why wasn’t the sister cast as Baby?

 

Did I mention this movie bored me to tears? You added nothing but padding and filler. Nothing was remotely interesting.  Just, what the hell were you thinking? THREE HOURS? THREE!

Is Hollywood officially out of ideas that they had to remake something that was a timeless classic? Did they actually think to themselves, “Hey, we can make this better. Let’s make Baby a raging feminist, because that’s the hip thing to do. Oh, and let’s make her chubby! Everybody will love it, because it is the current year and that is the in thing to do! Oh, and let’s make it a pseudomusical!”

As somebody said on twitter, “Somebody needs to put this movie in the corner and leave it there.”

ZERO stars out of Five.

Beauty and the Beast remake was better.

Gosh, it disturbs me to see this, Gaston.

Firstly, no I am not dead. I am alive and well. Apparently, I have not updated my facebook since February 28th, and I made mention that we were in for some awful storms.

So a few just assumed I was killed in a tornado.

I was not. I am fine.

Not really. I am not fine. Just yesterday, I saw the live-action “Beauty and the Beast” remake. I don’t even know where to begin, honestly, and what I could possibly say that other critics haven’t (I am not a critic. I am, however, a regular old citizen.)

Where to start?

Sorry, but I am about to bash Queen Emma. Her acting in this was so bland, boring and nonchalant. She reminded me of Kristen Stewart in “Twilight.” Rarely, did she show any facial expression to show how she was feeling, unlike in the animated version, where the animation was phenomenal, and we could easily move the story along by facial expressions alone.

Which brings me to how it dragged on. There was so much unnecessary filler that really didn’t add anything good or new to the story. The back story and the interaction with her father, in the beginning, I was HOPING would set the tone for the rest of the movie, but of course, it didn’t. The sad part is she had more chemistry with him than the beast.

It was very painted by numbers. You go here. You say this. You look here.

The whole thing was robotic and that’s not to say all of the actors were bad. Luke Evans did a fairly good job as Gaston and Ewan McGregor did great as Lumiere, even though his accent jumped all over the place, and yes I understand he is Scottish. To be honest, they saved the movie from me thinking it was a total crapfest, even though their singing left something to be desired, especially Queen Emma.

Don’t think I didn’t notice the autotune with her, movie. I did.

Why didn’t you just get singers and dub them (leaving out Ewan here. He actually did very well on “Be Our Guest.)?

Here come the spoilers, although why the fuck I should have to add a spoiler warning to this is beyond me.

So SPOILER WARNING (You should have seen the 1991 movie by now. I found out my kid hasn’t seen it. Guess what I’m planting him in front of when school is out?).

If you want a scene by scene remake of the 1991 original, without the charm and life that made it great, this movie is for you. There was very little added. We find out about Belle’s mother, and her father is less “crazy.” Gaston is a war hero.

That’s it. That’s what’s new aside from some new songs that made the movie drag on way too long.

The thing that really got me, and was entirely too noticeable was the message of, “HEY we love feminism! Look at Belle teaching a girl to read!” Yes, we are treated to a scene where Belle is doing laundry and teaches a young girl to read, and the townspeople just aren’t having that, so to retaliate, they toss her laundry everywhere. That will show her.

Not only was Belle boring and not charming, but Beast wasn’t either. He even got his own song, but it did absolutely nothing to further the story. It naturally flowed in the original, this had to push it along with needless songs. Beast also didn’t have an anger issue. Remember how he would shout, and growl every so often when people didn’t do as he wished?

Didn’t really happen here.

But you know who had an anger issue and it was actually pointed out by LeFou?

Gaston.

See, when her father wants to rescue Belle from the beast, Gaston is just like, “Ey, okay. We will help you. Why? I want to marry your daughter, that’s why!”

So they go looking for the castle, and they can’t find it. Something about a magic tree and Gaston loses his temper and ACTUALLY GOES TO KILL HER FATHER OUT OF NOWHERE. What the fuck?! It stops because LeFou goes, “Now, Gaston! Remember you have an anger issue! Remember the war? You like war!” (I paraphrased.)

… wut?

And ya know what happens after that? They tie him to a fucking tree and leave him for the wolves.

But he is rescued by Agatha, who is a tavern owner hobo.

And they all get back to the tavern, and Maurice is like, “Ey you tried to kill me.”

“No, we didn’t.”

Even Lefou goes, “Ehhh.. no that didn’t happen.”

*Head desk*

Remember the scene where Belle goes to the west wing? Remember how she goes up to the rose, opens the lid, and goes to touch it before the Beast accosts her with, “What are you doing?” and scares her out of the castle?

She didn’t get within ten feet of it before he freaks out and screams, “YOU COULD DAMN US ALL!?”

Geez, guy.

Remember the scene where he shows her the mirror and she sees her father being stuck in an asylum? The animation showed so much emotion there. You could see the pain and anguish in his face as he realized he loved her and he had to let her go to him. He even clutched the roses case before he bemoaned that she had to go to him.

In this? He just says, immediately after the mirror shows Maurice, “you must go to him!” No anguish. No inner conflict. Nothing. Just “GO TO HIM!”

Speaking of that, Gaston just wanted to kill the beast because, “Ey, BEAST COULD KILL US! BEAST EVIL! MUST KILL! I AM THE ANTAGONIST!”

As opposed to, “If I can’t have you, nobody can.”

Now I will give the movie some credit that at the end where everybody dies was pretty well done.

Oh yeah, they all died, or turned into inanimate objects, to be more specific. The last petal actually hits the ground, and it really is too late. We watch all the knick knacks in their last moments. We see and hear their despair as they feel themselves dying. Soon, they become immobile, stop moving, and they “die.”

At this point, I was like, “Woah. This is dark. That petal hit the ground. It’s over. Is this how they are going to end it? That’s.. pretty risky! Good job, movie!” In fact, it takes a good minute before Belle says, “I love you.”

But no, the enchantress who was actually Agatha the barkeep (Stevie Wonder saw that coming) pops in, sees the Beast earned a girl’s love and feels bad so she just reverses everything.

Nice Deus Ex Machina there, movie.

Seriously, it was not good at all. If this pisses you off, sorry. I hated it.

And don’t tell me I have to forget the original, and then I’ll like it. It’s kind of hard to forget the original when you are showing me a scene by scene remake of it and you keep reminding me that the original exists.

1.5 out of 5.

I only gave that extra half point because of the “everything dies” scene. Again, a few of the actors were great. Luke Evans did well, as did Ewan Mcgregor and the guy who played Maurice. There were a few chuckles with Lumiere, but overall it was quite forgettable, as you can tell by my complaints being all over the board, and bouncing from one point to another.

Also, where is my “gay shit?” I was promised a noticably gay character and a very gay moment between LeFou and Gaston.

Or did the director just say that to get a bunch of publicity and progressives to go and watch it?

If you watched the movie for that, man, you got jilted. I’d have demanded my money back.

“A home run, the cubs win the world series– ahh!”

In case you don’t know, that’s a movie quote from Armageddon. Max says it during the psych exam.

And that has never been more fitting than right now!

Such an intense game (it’s baseball. Baseball is NOT an intense sport!).

You know what? I’m a Cardinals girl, but God damn it cubs, I was rooting so hard for you, and you did it! It is a very well deserved victory.

I know “there’s no crying in baseball,” but damn it somebody pass me a tissue, because I know a lot of people need one right now.

Your 2016 World Series Champions, after 108 years, the Chicago Cubs!

Blair Witch Boo: Book of Jump Scares.

I was asked by someone who was very hesitant to spend money on seeing the new Blair witch, about why I hated it so much that I could go on a rage fueled rant for half an hour. So, I’ll go more into that here. Now, if you for some reason, after all of the warnings, still want to see this and don’t want it spoiled, go away now.

I’m serious.

If you don’t like spoilers, you should go somewhere else.

I am going to add spoilers.

I will spoil the entire movie.

If you haven’t left by now, it’s your own fault that it gets spoiled.

Last chance!

If you’re still here, you get spoilers.

Okay, the movie starts off with James (Heather’s brother. She was the girl in the original movie) talking to Lisa about some footage that was uploaded to youtube. This footage, he thought contained a brief image of Heather, making him think Heather could still be alive (twenty years later? This movie supposedly takes place in 2014, btw). So he gathers up his friends and they decide to go look for her in the woods. The first problem I have with the movie starts here. Did I say problem? I should say PROBLEMS. The movie begins to shove technology in our faces. We have POV cams that you can wear on your ears! We have all new high tech digital cameras! We have DRONES (ya know, for aerial shots JUST IN CASE they get lost.). That drone, so you know, does nothing and winds up getting stuck in a tree. I am dead serious.

They go to talk to the original uploaders of the video and low and behold, they want to go with him. The guy’s name is Lane, and I don’t remember his girlfriend’s name so they’ll now be referred to as LANE AND HIS CHICK.

Here starts the movie plot demanding there be tension and conflict between the group. It wasn’t a building conflict like the original, instead, it was Lane and his chick had a confederate flag in their home, and James’s best friend Peter is black.

That is your conflict. So, Peter starts being an asshole to them, and it’s not just Lane and chick that he’s being an asshole to. He starts being an asshole to James like, “This is stupid. The Blair Witch isn’t real! Do you really believe this shit?” I mean, come on guy, his sister vanished in the woods, there are legends of a witch and you are being a fucking prick. I get it though movie, you have to have some type of conflict, but there were so many other ways you could have done this, yet you pigeonholed it in right off the bat.

So Peter’s chick (I seriously hated this movie enough that I didn’t take names) steps on a rock in the creek and cuts her foot. James being a paramedic patches her up and they continue forward.

Now, I was hoping that once night fell, that the movie would get a little better and ramp up. It didn’t. We are treated to a few “scares,” and the next morning they see the stick figures all over the place, and decide it’s time to leave. Come to find out, Lane and his chick were the ones who put them up and wanted them to believe the witch was real. The original group sends them away and Peter’s chick starts getting sick. The second night, she’s running a high fever and is delirious, due to the now infected “cut” on her foot.

Let me interject here. James is a PARAMEDIC.This man should see that this is a huge warning sign of septicemia. At this point, they should do whatever it takes to get an air evac team in there. I get you are deep in the woods, but with all that technology, you can do a little better than, “Oh we should take her to the hospital tomorrow.”

(At this point in the movie, I was getting very annoyed, and I don’t remember a lot of detail, so it’s about to get jumbled.)

Peter’s chick is cold so he leaves to go get firewood to build a fire. Of course, she’s cold. She’s dying from an infection, or so we think. While Peter is out, we are treated to big stompy sounds, trees crashing, and of course, a tree falls on his head and he dies. I was not saddened. During this time, Lane and chick come back, and to them, they have been lost for five days, even though only one has passed. Lane’s chick tries to steal food, and Peter’s chick got mad about the stick figures, snaps it in two, and Lane’s chick snaps in two and falls to the ground dead. Lane runs away.

During this time, Peter’s chick checks out her foot and pulls out a centipede-like creature from her cut with no fanfare. However, she sees the drone in a tree and decides to retrieve it. She climbs up the tree.

As she is climbing up, a friend beside me said “this chick is kind of bad ass. If anybody survives, it will be her!” I looked at them and said, “Yeah, but she won’t survive. Something will go ‘BOO’ and she will fall to her death.”

A few minutes later, that is just what happened. You know, as each person died, I felt relief because I knew the movie would be over soon. At this point, I had grown very tired of the jump scares. They were so cheap and sometimes it was one right after another. It was like this: *scene gets quiet as someone looks at something* *someone bumps into person with a loud DUNN sound effect* “HAI WHAT ARE YOU DOIN!?!” *person screams*

We are down to James and Lisa and what do you know, they find the Rustin Parr house and go in, or James goes in, because he heard Heather’s scream.

I will give the movie SOME credit that these final thirty minutes were fairly intense. It was the better part of the movie.

They show the original footage and their footage in real time, and we find out that the person in the reflection was NOT Heather, it was Lisa. So, the witch has time travel powers now. Bright lights are shone into the house, which makes it seem like the Blair witch is an alien. Eventually, we see the Blair witch and she’s Tree Beard from Lord of the Rings! Seriously, she looks like a fucking tree.

James tells Lisa to “Look into the corner. She can’t do anything if you don’t look at her!”

…. Are you referencing the original and why people were in the corner at the end? You know that wasn’t the Blair witch right? The reason people looked into the corner is because of Rustin Parr. When Rustin Parr murdered the children, he would have one stare into the corner while he killed another because he “couldn’t take their eyes on him.” It was like the one shred of humanity Parr had left while doing the witch’s bidding, keep the children from seeing the horrible murder he was doing to the other. God dang it movie, you fucked that up too!

Back on track. James and Lisa are staring in the corner, and James suddenly hears Heather’s voice, he turned around, and boom. Dead. Of course.

Lisa finds out she can use her camera as a rear view mirror of sorts to see behind her, look at the witch, and try to get out. Also, we find out that Lane is in the house. He is who was trying to lure them into the house as a sacrifice for the witch. Lisa winds up in a tunnel and tries to escape. It didn’t work. She gets back in the house, stares into the corner, sees the witch, and then she hears James telling her he’s so sorry. 😦 He’s so sorry. So what does she do? She turns around. Witch kills her. The end. Not TEN MINUTES after the witch imitated Heather’s voice and got James to turn around, which Lisa was witness to, she managed to somehow trick Lisa into actually believing it was James and not the witch. YOU SAW HER DO THAT TO JAMES, you idiot.

This movie was SHIT! My problems are a dime a dozen. Firstly, the original was subtle horror. You had to rely on your own imagination to fill in the details of what could be out there in the woods, terrorizing those three people. This movie? BOO! Jump scare! I swear I could hear the film crew going, “Boo! Got you didn’t we? Oooh, do you hear those big stompy monster sounds? You’re scared now, aren’t you? Oooo what is that? What could–BOO!!! Got you again!”

Except you didn’t “get me.” The jump scares were so predictable that Stevie Wonder could have seen them coming. Again, with all the trees crashing, and the stompy sounds, and the ground shaking, for the first hour, I thought the Blair witch was a dinosaur. It was way too “in your face” type horror, and I’m sorry, those types of movies are a dime a dozen these days, to the point where they are no longer effective, and for a Blair witch movie, that’s not a very good tactic. Then with all the lights at the end (where were these coming from? The scene looked like an Apache helicopter was outside the house with all the lights, the roaring and shaking.) my friend mentioned maybe she was an alien.

When you have people thinking the Blair witch could be an alien, you have messed up somewhere.

The characters were completely unlikeable, and honestly, when it comes to Lane and chick, they were completely unnecessary. You could have taken them out of the movie and it would have been the exact same. They weren’t even a sexy lamp trope! The confederate flag thing with Peter was so shoehorned in that it did nothing except make Peter look like an asshole, and truth be told, he was being one. I can understand the discomfort he had, but he was being an asshole to James, too. He was practically being antagonistic for no reason towards his best friend.

The drone added NOTHING. I was anticipating that we would see quick glimpses of the Blair witch through the drone, but no. It got stuck in a tree. It added nothing to the movie. It was just there because “technology!”

Finally, it wasn’t subtle at all. It demanded you be afraid. It demanded it so much that nobody was afraid. Nobody jumped because of how predictable it was. We had an eleven year old girl with us, and she didn’t jump. She wasn’t afraid at all. In fact, after the movie was over and we were discussing it, she said she’d give it a one star out of ten only because the last thirty minutes were decent.

Which leaves me with this.

In the last thirty minutes, we get a quick glimpse of a female figure who looks like she’s in a white coat, leggings, boots and a beanie. Her hair looks brown. I was hoping that since it was proven the witch has power over time, that they were transported back to where Heather and Mike (from the original) were in the house and running from the witch.

But no, the movie wasn’t clever enough for that, was it?

Seriously, this movie was a huge disappointment. This is why I rarely go to the theaters. I am cheap and I don’t want to pay money for a movie that will leave me raging on a blog. If you  liked it, fine. I hated it. I am not the type of person who likes movies to tell me to be scared, and is filled with jump scares, which we all have to admit, are EVERYWHERE these days. It’s been “jump scares” for the past couple of years. Has anybody ever played Five Night’s at Freddy’s? My point exactly.

Quick EDIT: I enjoyed FNAF! When it came out, it was different, and we didn’t really have anything like that. Not counting Night Trap for the Sega CD, among a few other games. FNAF is what Night Trap should have been. 🙂 So don’t take this as I hate FNAF. I have played them all, and I did enjoy them, but I am a bit burnt out on them.

Updates and more updates!

To start with, if you have been following the news on the impending kratom ban by the DEA, you will already know that it has been postponed for a while, due to many congressmen submitting Dear Colleague Letters that expressed their concern, and the public outcry that the DEA was on the receiving end of. According to the DEA, they are preparing to open the topic up for a “modified” public comment session. This doesn’t mean we have won. It does mean that our voices are being heard.

Unfortunately, several congressmen (the ones that didn’t sign) have sent letters to their constituents filled with misinformation and DEA ass kissing. It is very clear that they have done no research and are only parroting DEA talking points.

One of these, in particular, is Diane Feinstein, a democrat from California. Thankfully, she is not my congressman. One of mine, I actually spoke to personally, and he did listen to my concerns and wound up signing the letter. Thank you, Mark Kirk. As of now, you have my vote.

But Back to Miss Feinstein.

Several people called her expressing their concerns, and you know what she did? She started having her interns pass along the message of, “Miss Feinstein agrees with the DEA that kratom is an immediate public health threat, and agrees on it being placed on the schedule one list. She is no longer receiving messages on this topic. Thank you for calling!”

For real, Miss Feinstein? You didn’t even attempt to listen. You showed a severe disdain for your own constituents who YOU REPRESENT. I promise you, Californians will remember this come election day, and most likely, you will have lost a lot of voters. Perhaps it is time for you to go home, and stop being in politics. Politics is listening to your constituents, and unfortunately, a lot have  forgotten that. No worries, Miss Feinstein. You are in good company with my other senator, Dick Durbin, who I have yet to hear anything from, and no he didn’t sign the letter. Funny, you’re democrats, and you claim to be all for the people, but you have shown us otherwise.

I do wholeheartedly thank the other senators and reps who listened and signed the letter, particularly Pocan and Salmon, who started the snowball that has been rolling ever since.

If you ask me, I think it is time we abolish the DEA and the FDA. These organizations do nothing but nanny adults who can make their own choices, and who can accept responsibility for the things they do. An example would be raw milk. The FDA demands nobody touch it, nobody sell it, but you know what? We are all aware of the dangers of it, and if we still wish to drink it, that is entirely up to us, NOT YOU. The FDA has had their eye on kratom for quite some time and speaking of, the DEA tried telling a few of us that they weren’t responsible for the ban, that it was the FDA and we should call them. Nice way to show your sheer incompetence. What I don’t understand is that alcohol is far more deadly than kratom could ever dream of being. It kills thousands of people directly, and indirectly. It causes numerous health problems, but the DEA and FDA seem to have no issues with what alcohol does, yet when it comes to kratom, they wave those fifteen related deaths in ten years like it’s a huge deal, like it’s the most deadly thing in the country (but they don’t tell you that 14 of those had other medications or alcohol in their system as well, and the other one, look that up yourself.) at the moment. I do feel we have the chance of winning, though.

In other news, I saw a movie! I never go to the theater, but I did two weeks ago, and I saw the new Blair Witch! I won’t put any spoilers in here, but for the first hour, I thought the Blair witch was a dinosaur. A better title for it would have been “Blair Witch Boo: Book of Jumpscares.” They were so cheap and laughable, and it was awful. I rate it 2 out of 5, ONLY because the last thirty minutes were fairly intense, even though the movie wasn’t clever enough to go the direction I thought it would go. *ugh*

Lastly, in two weeks, my next book, “The Second Fate,” will be available on amazon! If you’re interested in a twist on Greek Gods, cowboys and time travel, keep my book in mind! I’ll have more information on it the closer it gets to time for its release!

Until then, don’t forget that “Subject Alpha” is still available on amazon for only 99 cents. You can find it by clicking this nice link I put here for you. 🙂

Until we speak again, keep your heads up, chins up and keep fighting!

https://www.amazon.com/Subject-Alpha-J-Theberge-ebook/dp/B00ZJSEUEA