I’ve changed. A glorious change.

I decided to go back and read some social media posts from a few years ago.

I have changed, a lot. I don’t know who that person is, much like someone who hasn’t seen me in a few years is saying of me now.

They don’t know who I am. I am not the same.

In some ways this is good. I am a much tougher lady than I was two years ago, but in that, I care a lot less. In fact, unless it happens to somebody I know, I tend to not care. Back then, I had hope. I believed in love.

Ask me that now, and I will laugh at you. Love is nothing. Its tolerating a person you have known for a while. Its someone you don’t mind tolerating. That’s all love is.

I used to think it was so much more.

How naive I was!

Although, I am glad I have changed. I no longer blindly trust. I no longer let people take advantage of me. I stand up for myself. If I don’t want to speak to someone–I don’t. I used to speak just to be nice. I don’t care if I am nice now. People have come and gone since then, but those who have stuck around, despite my drastic change, I know truly care about me, unconditionally, and they get the same from me. All the “love” and support I can muster without looking like I used to.

My political stances have changed. Everything about me is different.

And I can pinpoint when all this happened. Late March of 2016.

He destroyed the person I used to be. I am so much better off. I didn’t see it that day. I was broken. But if I could travel back to that day and speak to the girl that once was, I would tell her, “just you wait and see who you will be in two years.”

She probably wouldn’t recognize me and I barely would her.

And I thank you so much for that, Gorenov.



The Recluse I have become

I don’t ever leave my house.

Perhaps rather, I should say, I rarely leave my house. I do walk my children to school and walk them back home. Sometimes I walk to the grocery store and post office to get food or get my mail.

Aside from that, I go nowhere. In fact, yesterday was the first time I have left my house for a neighboring town in over a month. I had no choice but to go there (We were out of a product, and I had to call a cab to take me to get that product.).

I don’t see myself leaving to go anywhere in the immediate future (that involves leaving my small town).

I don’t know what happened. I suppose the depression and anxiety of the past year finally took it’s ultimate toll and came to a head. Leaving my immediate vicinity causes quite a lot of stress in me. In the cab yesterday, my anxiety was through the roof and I nearly had a panic attack. Thankfully, the cab driver did not speed or do anything reckless. I explained to them about my being a recluse. They seemed to understand and did their best to keep me from “freaking out.’

I don’t think it fully is that I am “afraid” to leave, however, I would be lying if I said that wasn’t part of it. I do fear leaving. There are many types of people out there that I do not trust, but it’s also, I see no point in leaving. I don’t feel a need to go out, party and have a good time when I have enough of a good time here.  I have all I need here. I have my gaming systems, my laptop, my family, food, water, etc. There’s nothing out there I need and even then when I do need something, I can always order it online where it will be delivered to my town.

I never saw myself becoming a recluse at the age I have. Most of the time, this doesn’t happen to people until they hit a higher age than I am.

But it has happened.

And I am okay with that.

No, I’m just fine with that.

The next time I see myself leaving this town will be when I leave it for good. We are discussing moving to Colorado (Brush, Colorado, to be exact.). Myself and those friends and family members that have stuck around, and in my house for the past couple of years have all realized we hate the area we are in. Too much bad has happened here and we believe it is time for a fresh start elsewhere. Somewhere that isn’t here.

Maybe then I’ll break out of my shell. Maybe then I’ll stop being reclusive. I know it’s annoying certain people, but it’s just something they will have to deal with.

The upside through all of this is I certainly get a lot of work done.

A Day In the Life of a Hypochondriac

I am a hypochondriac, which stems from an anxiety disorder, or so I have been told.

Now, not to be rude, but there are a lot of self-diagnosers out there. Why they claim they have an anxiety disorder when all they do is get a little nervous over major things (don’t we all) is beyond me, and when they do that, it makes people like me look like we are just attention whores.

Firstly, if you think you may have a condition, please see a doctor. If you don’t like what that doctor says, we have second opinions for a reason. In fact, most doctors recommend you get them because they know they are only human and can make mistakes.

When I say I have anxiety issues, I really mean it and yes they are diagnosed. I have separation anxiety, abandonment issues (this is a story for another day, on where these started. I’ll drop the hint of they started where all my issues started, in the year 2008), hypochondria and plain old generalized anxiety. I know my panicking over little things is silly, but my logical mind cannot overcome the panic.

For instance, when that shit happened with the ex-bestie (whom for the purposes of this blog, shall be called “the Skopijan”), I was nothing but a bundle of raw nerves. Why? The separation anxiety and abandonment issues, which he wound up separating and dropping me like a bad habit because a girl told him to (That’s all it boils down to. A girl told him to. So he did. Maybe one day he will grow some testicles, but at this point, I fear it is too late). Yet, looking back on it, I can see how silly it was for me to get so upset over it. A person without my “condition” would have been a little sad at the end of a friendship, but would have easily gotten over it, especially since the friend had done nothing but use them for money (I wonder if he has acquired a job yet. I’d ask his lady friend who was nice to me and seemed interested in talking, but once she realized I couldn’t send her screen caps to fuel her paranoia that he was cheating on her, she didn’t want to talk. He probably is, dear.). They wouldn’t have been so upset. Not me, I lost my collective wits and did nothing but freak out for over a month. Now, of course, I look back like, “The Skopijan was not worth my tears. Good to be rid of someone like that. I don’t need that shit.” A doctor also told me that this boils down to another bit of GAD called “adjustment disorder.” I apparently don’t take change too well. Now whether I believe that to be a real medical condition that needs to be “medicated” is another story. Most people don’t deal with change well at all. I just happen to be one of them.

Because of this, I am also a severe hypochondriac. For those of you who don’t know, I think I have everything wrong with me. So let me tell you what the past two weeks have been like for me.

I have convinced myself (or near convinced myself) that I was:

Having a heart attack (slight twinges in my chest, mainly due from leaning on my elbows which puts strain on your chest muscles)

Having a stroke (because I lean on my elbows a lot, I stretch out the cubital nerve. It’s also known as cellbow, or cell phone elbow. It’s like carpal tunnel but on the other side of the hand where your pinky and ring finger go numb, tingle, etc)

Had breast cancer (thought I felt a lump. Then I sought it out and couldn’t find it again, and wound up making my breast a little sore, which further solidified my cancer fear)

Had uterine/cervical cancer (had a shorter than usual period.)

Had a brain tumor (headache from staring at a computer monitor for too long while working on my new book)


Thankfully, my mother is a nurse, and God love her, she puts up with so much shit from me. I call her in a panic like, “Mom, I think I’m having a stroke!!”

She will go, “You’re not having a stroke, J. Theberge! (I’m not putting my real name here. Unless I did already and forgot but I’m not doing it now XD)” Then she will proceed to go into a list of reasons WHY I am not having some medical crisis.

My whole point of this blog post is to point out that anxiety issues aren’t cute. They aren’t quirky. Stop romanticizing mental issues (looking at you tumblr)! They can be severely debilitating and crippling. They aren’t funny. They aren’t sexy. They aren’t NORMAL. Yeah, I said it. I don’t care if you get mad at that. Take it from the severe hypochondriac with severe anxiety issues (I can’t even smoke marijuana, you know that? PARANOIA.). It’s not cute. If you sound anything like I do, please for the love of God, go to the doctor and get some help. They’ll do their best to help you, but sometimes the initial treatment does nothing (see you soon, doc!) as I can attest, but they will keep it up until you can get to the day, and breeze through it without an issue.

Or in my case, without thinking you’re having a heart attack. Seriously, I know it’s silly, but in my head I think, “Wait, what if this is the STARTS of a heart attack, and I ignore it, thinking it’s all related to muscles, and my constant leaning, but I am wrong, and it really IS a heart attack!?!?!?! Omg, I should go to the hospital.” Then I’ll pace around the room for thirty minutes, call my mom in a panic, get yelled at by my mom who is now annoyed at me because it’s the tenth time this week I’ve called her upset, thinking I have something major wrong with me.

Help is out there. You don’t have to live like this. The upside is that once you have almost convinced yourself that you’re having a heart attack (nine times), you start trying to be a little healther. I have cut down on the caffeine, cut down on smoking, and started watching my sodium intake. That’s the ONLY upside to hypochondria.