I was asked by someone who was very hesitant to spend money on seeing the new Blair witch, about why I hated it so much that I could go on a rage fueled rant for half an hour. So, I’ll go more into that here. Now, if you for some reason, after all of the warnings, still want to see this and don’t want it spoiled, go away now.
If you don’t like spoilers, you should go somewhere else.
I am going to add spoilers.
I will spoil the entire movie.
If you haven’t left by now, it’s your own fault that it gets spoiled.
If you’re still here, you get spoilers.
Okay, the movie starts off with James (Heather’s brother. She was the girl in the original movie) talking to Lisa about some footage that was uploaded to youtube. This footage, he thought contained a brief image of Heather, making him think Heather could still be alive (twenty years later? This movie supposedly takes place in 2014, btw). So he gathers up his friends and they decide to go look for her in the woods. The first problem I have with the movie starts here. Did I say problem? I should say PROBLEMS. The movie begins to shove technology in our faces. We have POV cams that you can wear on your ears! We have all new high tech digital cameras! We have DRONES (ya know, for aerial shots JUST IN CASE they get lost.). That drone, so you know, does nothing and winds up getting stuck in a tree. I am dead serious.
They go to talk to the original uploaders of the video and low and behold, they want to go with him. The guy’s name is Lane, and I don’t remember his girlfriend’s name so they’ll now be referred to as LANE AND HIS CHICK.
Here starts the movie plot demanding there be tension and conflict between the group. It wasn’t a building conflict like the original, instead, it was Lane and his chick had a confederate flag in their home, and James’s best friend Peter is black.
That is your conflict. So, Peter starts being an asshole to them, and it’s not just Lane and chick that he’s being an asshole to. He starts being an asshole to James like, “This is stupid. The Blair Witch isn’t real! Do you really believe this shit?” I mean, come on guy, his sister vanished in the woods, there are legends of a witch and you are being a fucking prick. I get it though movie, you have to have some type of conflict, but there were so many other ways you could have done this, yet you pigeonholed it in right off the bat.
So Peter’s chick (I seriously hated this movie enough that I didn’t take names) steps on a rock in the creek and cuts her foot. James being a paramedic patches her up and they continue forward.
Now, I was hoping that once night fell, that the movie would get a little better and ramp up. It didn’t. We are treated to a few “scares,” and the next morning they see the stick figures all over the place, and decide it’s time to leave. Come to find out, Lane and his chick were the ones who put them up and wanted them to believe the witch was real. The original group sends them away and Peter’s chick starts getting sick. The second night, she’s running a high fever and is delirious, due to the now infected “cut” on her foot.
Let me interject here. James is a PARAMEDIC.This man should see that this is a huge warning sign of septicemia. At this point, they should do whatever it takes to get an air evac team in there. I get you are deep in the woods, but with all that technology, you can do a little better than, “Oh we should take her to the hospital tomorrow.”
(At this point in the movie, I was getting very annoyed, and I don’t remember a lot of detail, so it’s about to get jumbled.)
Peter’s chick is cold so he leaves to go get firewood to build a fire. Of course, she’s cold. She’s dying from an infection, or so we think. While Peter is out, we are treated to big stompy sounds, trees crashing, and of course, a tree falls on his head and he dies. I was not saddened. During this time, Lane and chick come back, and to them, they have been lost for five days, even though only one has passed. Lane’s chick tries to steal food, and Peter’s chick got mad about the stick figures, snaps it in two, and Lane’s chick snaps in two and falls to the ground dead. Lane runs away.
During this time, Peter’s chick checks out her foot and pulls out a centipede-like creature from her cut with no fanfare. However, she sees the drone in a tree and decides to retrieve it. She climbs up the tree.
As she is climbing up, a friend beside me said “this chick is kind of bad ass. If anybody survives, it will be her!” I looked at them and said, “Yeah, but she won’t survive. Something will go ‘BOO’ and she will fall to her death.”
A few minutes later, that is just what happened. You know, as each person died, I felt relief because I knew the movie would be over soon. At this point, I had grown very tired of the jump scares. They were so cheap and sometimes it was one right after another. It was like this: *scene gets quiet as someone looks at something* *someone bumps into person with a loud DUNN sound effect* “HAI WHAT ARE YOU DOIN!?!” *person screams*
We are down to James and Lisa and what do you know, they find the Rustin Parr house and go in, or James goes in, because he heard Heather’s scream.
I will give the movie SOME credit that these final thirty minutes were fairly intense. It was the better part of the movie.
They show the original footage and their footage in real time, and we find out that the person in the reflection was NOT Heather, it was Lisa. So, the witch has time travel powers now. Bright lights are shone into the house, which makes it seem like the Blair witch is an alien. Eventually, we see the Blair witch and she’s Tree Beard from Lord of the Rings! Seriously, she looks like a fucking tree.
James tells Lisa to “Look into the corner. She can’t do anything if you don’t look at her!”
…. Are you referencing the original and why people were in the corner at the end? You know that wasn’t the Blair witch right? The reason people looked into the corner is because of Rustin Parr. When Rustin Parr murdered the children, he would have one stare into the corner while he killed another because he “couldn’t take their eyes on him.” It was like the one shred of humanity Parr had left while doing the witch’s bidding, keep the children from seeing the horrible murder he was doing to the other. God dang it movie, you fucked that up too!
Back on track. James and Lisa are staring in the corner, and James suddenly hears Heather’s voice, he turned around, and boom. Dead. Of course.
Lisa finds out she can use her camera as a rear view mirror of sorts to see behind her, look at the witch, and try to get out. Also, we find out that Lane is in the house. He is who was trying to lure them into the house as a sacrifice for the witch. Lisa winds up in a tunnel and tries to escape. It didn’t work. She gets back in the house, stares into the corner, sees the witch, and then she hears James telling her he’s so sorry. 😦 He’s so sorry. So what does she do? She turns around. Witch kills her. The end. Not TEN MINUTES after the witch imitated Heather’s voice and got James to turn around, which Lisa was witness to, she managed to somehow trick Lisa into actually believing it was James and not the witch. YOU SAW HER DO THAT TO JAMES, you idiot.
This movie was SHIT! My problems are a dime a dozen. Firstly, the original was subtle horror. You had to rely on your own imagination to fill in the details of what could be out there in the woods, terrorizing those three people. This movie? BOO! Jump scare! I swear I could hear the film crew going, “Boo! Got you didn’t we? Oooh, do you hear those big stompy monster sounds? You’re scared now, aren’t you? Oooo what is that? What could–BOO!!! Got you again!”
Except you didn’t “get me.” The jump scares were so predictable that Stevie Wonder could have seen them coming. Again, with all the trees crashing, and the stompy sounds, and the ground shaking, for the first hour, I thought the Blair witch was a dinosaur. It was way too “in your face” type horror, and I’m sorry, those types of movies are a dime a dozen these days, to the point where they are no longer effective, and for a Blair witch movie, that’s not a very good tactic. Then with all the lights at the end (where were these coming from? The scene looked like an Apache helicopter was outside the house with all the lights, the roaring and shaking.) my friend mentioned maybe she was an alien.
When you have people thinking the Blair witch could be an alien, you have messed up somewhere.
The characters were completely unlikeable, and honestly, when it comes to Lane and chick, they were completely unnecessary. You could have taken them out of the movie and it would have been the exact same. They weren’t even a sexy lamp trope! The confederate flag thing with Peter was so shoehorned in that it did nothing except make Peter look like an asshole, and truth be told, he was being one. I can understand the discomfort he had, but he was being an asshole to James, too. He was practically being antagonistic for no reason towards his best friend.
The drone added NOTHING. I was anticipating that we would see quick glimpses of the Blair witch through the drone, but no. It got stuck in a tree. It added nothing to the movie. It was just there because “technology!”
Finally, it wasn’t subtle at all. It demanded you be afraid. It demanded it so much that nobody was afraid. Nobody jumped because of how predictable it was. We had an eleven year old girl with us, and she didn’t jump. She wasn’t afraid at all. In fact, after the movie was over and we were discussing it, she said she’d give it a one star out of ten only because the last thirty minutes were decent.
Which leaves me with this.
In the last thirty minutes, we get a quick glimpse of a female figure who looks like she’s in a white coat, leggings, boots and a beanie. Her hair looks brown. I was hoping that since it was proven the witch has power over time, that they were transported back to where Heather and Mike (from the original) were in the house and running from the witch.
But no, the movie wasn’t clever enough for that, was it?
Seriously, this movie was a huge disappointment. This is why I rarely go to the theaters. I am cheap and I don’t want to pay money for a movie that will leave me raging on a blog. If you liked it, fine. I hated it. I am not the type of person who likes movies to tell me to be scared, and is filled with jump scares, which we all have to admit, are EVERYWHERE these days. It’s been “jump scares” for the past couple of years. Has anybody ever played Five Night’s at Freddy’s? My point exactly.
Quick EDIT: I enjoyed FNAF! When it came out, it was different, and we didn’t really have anything like that. Not counting Night Trap for the Sega CD, among a few other games. FNAF is what Night Trap should have been. 🙂 So don’t take this as I hate FNAF. I have played them all, and I did enjoy them, but I am a bit burnt out on them.