Dirty Dancing — The remake.

This movie is SHIT!!!

 

We get it, ABC. You are so progressive! You are totally into that, “I am womYn, hear me ROAR,” shit. She wants to be a DOCTOR because HER DAD is one, and how DARE her sister want to be a HOUSEWIFE? LET US SHAME HER!

Know how I know this? Because that’s all Baby fucking talked about. The feminine mystique! How dude’s dance partner is brainwashed because there is power in letting go (being led during dance).

But that’s not what I am mad about.

I am mad because I am not a huge Dirty Dancing fan, and this movie managed to have me ready to commit Hari Kiri, because it is SHIT!!

The actors have no chemistry, what so freaking ever. The dude who played Johnny is like the Kristen Stewart of male actors, with one expression the entire time, and that expression was, “I have no idea why I am here.”

But ya know what, ABC? Remakes tend to blow. They usually always suck. That’s not what really set me off.

What really set me off is in a movie about dancing, nobody can fucking dance. You made me use the eff word. Nobody can effing dance. Even Nicole ICan’tSpellherlastname from the Pussycat Dolls is just… MEH. She looked so bored the entire time. Everybody looked so damn bored. Speaking of bored, I was more interested in her pregnancy/abortion angle, than ANYTHING else in this entire movie. For real. That was the more interesting part. I didn’t give nine shits about Baby’s parents, but you sure as hell made sure to tell me all about that.

But! But! I could have forgiven that. Want to know what my biggest gripe is? Do you really want to know? I am about to address the elephant in the room, quite literally. I am going to address something everybody else is afraid to, for fear of being called “something phobic,” or a “something shamer.”

That’s right. The actress who played Baby.

What were you thinking? She’s a great actress, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe her as a dancer. I take a look at her, and know that nobody will believe she is a part of that dancing crew that is supposedly employed by this place. Whereas Jennifer Gray at least looked like she could have been a full-time employee.

Remember, the full-time dancer ran off and got knocked up and had to get an abortion, so she couldn’t do it. They had to get a replacement. A replacement that is convincing to the crowd.

Abigail Breslin was too big to be Baby. Sorry, call me a shamer or whatever you want to (I used to weigh 250lbs, and I’m 145 now, so it seriously doesn’t bother me.), but I know I am correct, because in the iconic lift scene at the end, the actress has to push herself up off of his shoulders.

You read that right. She pushed herself up. If you go back and watch Jennifer Gray do it, she keeps her arms out from the second she “leaps” off the ground. Watch this one? She places her hands on his shoulders and quickly pushes herself up. Not to mention the look on her face looks like she’s surprised it all happened, too. Jennifer Gray, on the other hand, had the look of, “Yep. Nailed it!” Ya know, a look of confidence, like she knew she could do it the whole time.

Even during the lake scene, you could see dude was having trouble holding her up.

The thing is, Abigail Breslin isn’t fat at all. She’s a bit chubby, but it’s “normal” chubby. The other thing is dancers are very thin. Dancers are very lean.  They put their bodies through a lot of work. Jennifer Gray had a dancer’s build, and was believable. Why wasn’t the sister cast as Baby?

 

Did I mention this movie bored me to tears? You added nothing but padding and filler. Nothing was remotely interesting.  Just, what the hell were you thinking? THREE HOURS? THREE!

Is Hollywood officially out of ideas that they had to remake something that was a timeless classic? Did they actually think to themselves, “Hey, we can make this better. Let’s make Baby a raging feminist, because that’s the hip thing to do. Oh, and let’s make her chubby! Everybody will love it, because it is the current year and that is the in thing to do! Oh, and let’s make it a pseudomusical!”

As somebody said on twitter, “Somebody needs to put this movie in the corner and leave it there.”

ZERO stars out of Five.

Beauty and the Beast remake was better.

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