Dirty Dancing — The remake.

This movie is SHIT!!!

 

We get it, ABC. You are so progressive! You are totally into that, “I am womYn, hear me ROAR,” shit. She wants to be a DOCTOR because HER DAD is one, and how DARE her sister want to be a HOUSEWIFE? LET US SHAME HER!

Know how I know this? Because that’s all Baby fucking talked about. The feminine mystique! How dude’s dance partner is brainwashed because there is power in letting go (being led during dance).

But that’s not what I am mad about.

I am mad because I am not a huge Dirty Dancing fan, and this movie managed to have me ready to commit Hari Kiri, because it is SHIT!!

The actors have no chemistry, what so freaking ever. The dude who played Johnny is like the Kristen Stewart of male actors, with one expression the entire time, and that expression was, “I have no idea why I am here.”

But ya know what, ABC? Remakes tend to blow. They usually always suck. That’s not what really set me off.

What really set me off is in a movie about dancing, nobody can fucking dance. You made me use the eff word. Nobody can effing dance. Even Nicole ICan’tSpellherlastname from the Pussycat Dolls is just… MEH. She looked so bored the entire time. Everybody looked so damn bored. Speaking of bored, I was more interested in her pregnancy/abortion angle, than ANYTHING else in this entire movie. For real. That was the more interesting part. I didn’t give nine shits about Baby’s parents, but you sure as hell made sure to tell me all about that.

But! But! I could have forgiven that. Want to know what my biggest gripe is? Do you really want to know? I am about to address the elephant in the room, quite literally. I am going to address something everybody else is afraid to, for fear of being called “something phobic,” or a “something shamer.”

That’s right. The actress who played Baby.

What were you thinking? She’s a great actress, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe her as a dancer. I take a look at her, and know that nobody will believe she is a part of that dancing crew that is supposedly employed by this place. Whereas Jennifer Gray at least looked like she could have been a full-time employee.

Remember, the full-time dancer ran off and got knocked up and had to get an abortion, so she couldn’t do it. They had to get a replacement. A replacement that is convincing to the crowd.

Abigail Breslin was too big to be Baby. Sorry, call me a shamer or whatever you want to (I used to weigh 250lbs, and I’m 145 now, so it seriously doesn’t bother me.), but I know I am correct, because in the iconic lift scene at the end, the actress has to push herself up off of his shoulders.

You read that right. She pushed herself up. If you go back and watch Jennifer Gray do it, she keeps her arms out from the second she “leaps” off the ground. Watch this one? She places her hands on his shoulders and quickly pushes herself up. Not to mention the look on her face looks like she’s surprised it all happened, too. Jennifer Gray, on the other hand, had the look of, “Yep. Nailed it!” Ya know, a look of confidence, like she knew she could do it the whole time.

Even during the lake scene, you could see dude was having trouble holding her up.

The thing is, Abigail Breslin isn’t fat at all. She’s a bit chubby, but it’s “normal” chubby. The other thing is dancers are very thin. Dancers are very lean.  They put their bodies through a lot of work. Jennifer Gray had a dancer’s build, and was believable. Why wasn’t the sister cast as Baby?

 

Did I mention this movie bored me to tears? You added nothing but padding and filler. Nothing was remotely interesting.  Just, what the hell were you thinking? THREE HOURS? THREE!

Is Hollywood officially out of ideas that they had to remake something that was a timeless classic? Did they actually think to themselves, “Hey, we can make this better. Let’s make Baby a raging feminist, because that’s the hip thing to do. Oh, and let’s make her chubby! Everybody will love it, because it is the current year and that is the in thing to do! Oh, and let’s make it a pseudomusical!”

As somebody said on twitter, “Somebody needs to put this movie in the corner and leave it there.”

ZERO stars out of Five.

Beauty and the Beast remake was better.

Advertisements

Gosh, it disturbs me to see this, Gaston.

Firstly, no I am not dead. I am alive and well. Apparently, I have not updated my facebook since February 28th, and I made mention that we were in for some awful storms.

So a few just assumed I was killed in a tornado.

I was not. I am fine.

Not really. I am not fine. Just yesterday, I saw the live-action “Beauty and the Beast” remake. I don’t even know where to begin, honestly, and what I could possibly say that other critics haven’t (I am not a critic. I am, however, a regular old citizen.)

Where to start?

Sorry, but I am about to bash Queen Emma. Her acting in this was so bland, boring and nonchalant. She reminded me of Kristen Stewart in “Twilight.” Rarely, did she show any facial expression to show how she was feeling, unlike in the animated version, where the animation was phenomenal, and we could easily move the story along by facial expressions alone.

Which brings me to how it dragged on. There was so much unnecessary filler that really didn’t add anything good or new to the story. The back story and the interaction with her father, in the beginning, I was HOPING would set the tone for the rest of the movie, but of course, it didn’t. The sad part is she had more chemistry with him than the beast.

It was very painted by numbers. You go here. You say this. You look here.

The whole thing was robotic and that’s not to say all of the actors were bad. Luke Evans did a fairly good job as Gaston and Ewan McGregor did great as Lumiere, even though his accent jumped all over the place, and yes I understand he is Scottish. To be honest, they saved the movie from me thinking it was a total crapfest, even though their singing left something to be desired, especially Queen Emma.

Don’t think I didn’t notice the autotune with her, movie. I did.

Why didn’t you just get singers and dub them (leaving out Ewan here. He actually did very well on “Be Our Guest.)?

Here come the spoilers, although why the fuck I should have to add a spoiler warning to this is beyond me.

So SPOILER WARNING (You should have seen the 1991 movie by now. I found out my kid hasn’t seen it. Guess what I’m planting him in front of when school is out?).

If you want a scene by scene remake of the 1991 original, without the charm and life that made it great, this movie is for you. There was very little added. We find out about Belle’s mother, and her father is less “crazy.” Gaston is a war hero.

That’s it. That’s what’s new aside from some new songs that made the movie drag on way too long.

The thing that really got me, and was entirely too noticeable was the message of, “HEY we love feminism! Look at Belle teaching a girl to read!” Yes, we are treated to a scene where Belle is doing laundry and teaches a young girl to read, and the townspeople just aren’t having that, so to retaliate, they toss her laundry everywhere. That will show her.

Not only was Belle boring and not charming, but Beast wasn’t either. He even got his own song, but it did absolutely nothing to further the story. It naturally flowed in the original, this had to push it along with needless songs. Beast also didn’t have an anger issue. Remember how he would shout, and growl every so often when people didn’t do as he wished?

Didn’t really happen here.

But you know who had an anger issue and it was actually pointed out by LeFou?

Gaston.

See, when her father wants to rescue Belle from the beast, Gaston is just like, “Ey, okay. We will help you. Why? I want to marry your daughter, that’s why!”

So they go looking for the castle, and they can’t find it. Something about a magic tree and Gaston loses his temper and ACTUALLY GOES TO KILL HER FATHER OUT OF NOWHERE. What the fuck?! It stops because LeFou goes, “Now, Gaston! Remember you have an anger issue! Remember the war? You like war!” (I paraphrased.)

… wut?

And ya know what happens after that? They tie him to a fucking tree and leave him for the wolves.

But he is rescued by Agatha, who is a tavern owner hobo.

And they all get back to the tavern, and Maurice is like, “Ey you tried to kill me.”

“No, we didn’t.”

Even Lefou goes, “Ehhh.. no that didn’t happen.”

*Head desk*

Remember the scene where Belle goes to the west wing? Remember how she goes up to the rose, opens the lid, and goes to touch it before the Beast accosts her with, “What are you doing?” and scares her out of the castle?

She didn’t get within ten feet of it before he freaks out and screams, “YOU COULD DAMN US ALL!?”

Geez, guy.

Remember the scene where he shows her the mirror and she sees her father being stuck in an asylum? The animation showed so much emotion there. You could see the pain and anguish in his face as he realized he loved her and he had to let her go to him. He even clutched the roses case before he bemoaned that she had to go to him.

In this? He just says, immediately after the mirror shows Maurice, “you must go to him!” No anguish. No inner conflict. Nothing. Just “GO TO HIM!”

Speaking of that, Gaston just wanted to kill the beast because, “Ey, BEAST COULD KILL US! BEAST EVIL! MUST KILL! I AM THE ANTAGONIST!”

As opposed to, “If I can’t have you, nobody can.”

Now I will give the movie some credit that at the end where everybody dies was pretty well done.

Oh yeah, they all died, or turned into inanimate objects, to be more specific. The last petal actually hits the ground, and it really is too late. We watch all the knick knacks in their last moments. We see and hear their despair as they feel themselves dying. Soon, they become immobile, stop moving, and they “die.”

At this point, I was like, “Woah. This is dark. That petal hit the ground. It’s over. Is this how they are going to end it? That’s.. pretty risky! Good job, movie!” In fact, it takes a good minute before Belle says, “I love you.”

But no, the enchantress who was actually Agatha the barkeep (Stevie Wonder saw that coming) pops in, sees the Beast earned a girl’s love and feels bad so she just reverses everything.

Nice Deus Ex Machina there, movie.

Seriously, it was not good at all. If this pisses you off, sorry. I hated it.

And don’t tell me I have to forget the original, and then I’ll like it. It’s kind of hard to forget the original when you are showing me a scene by scene remake of it and you keep reminding me that the original exists.

1.5 out of 5.

I only gave that extra half point because of the “everything dies” scene. Again, a few of the actors were great. Luke Evans did well, as did Ewan Mcgregor and the guy who played Maurice. There were a few chuckles with Lumiere, but overall it was quite forgettable, as you can tell by my complaints being all over the board, and bouncing from one point to another.

Also, where is my “gay shit?” I was promised a noticably gay character and a very gay moment between LeFou and Gaston.

Or did the director just say that to get a bunch of publicity and progressives to go and watch it?

If you watched the movie for that, man, you got jilted. I’d have demanded my money back.