The Recluse I have become

I don’t ever leave my house.

Perhaps rather, I should say, I rarely leave my house. I do walk my children to school and walk them back home. Sometimes I walk to the grocery store and post office to get food or get my mail.

Aside from that, I go nowhere. In fact, yesterday was the first time I have left my house for a neighboring town in over a month. I had no choice but to go there (We were out of a product, and I had to call a cab to take me to get that product.).

I don’t see myself leaving to go anywhere in the immediate future (that involves leaving my small town).

I don’t know what happened. I suppose the depression and anxiety of the past year finally took it’s ultimate toll and came to a head. Leaving my immediate vicinity causes quite a lot of stress in me. In the cab yesterday, my anxiety was through the roof and I nearly had a panic attack. Thankfully, the cab driver did not speed or do anything reckless. I explained to them about my being a recluse. They seemed to understand and did their best to keep me from “freaking out.’

I don’t think it fully is that I am “afraid” to leave, however, I would be lying if I said that wasn’t part of it. I do fear leaving. There are many types of people out there that I do not trust, but it’s also, I see no point in leaving. I don’t feel a need to go out, party and have a good time when I have enough of a good time here.  I have all I need here. I have my gaming systems, my laptop, my family, food, water, etc. There’s nothing out there I need and even then when I do need something, I can always order it online where it will be delivered to my town.

I never saw myself becoming a recluse at the age I have. Most of the time, this doesn’t happen to people until they hit a higher age than I am.

But it has happened.

And I am okay with that.

No, I’m just fine with that.

The next time I see myself leaving this town will be when I leave it for good. We are discussing moving to Colorado (Brush, Colorado, to be exact.). Myself and those friends and family members that have stuck around, and in my house for the past couple of years have all realized we hate the area we are in. Too much bad has happened here and we believe it is time for a fresh start elsewhere. Somewhere that isn’t here.

Maybe then I’ll break out of my shell. Maybe then I’ll stop being reclusive. I know it’s annoying certain people, but it’s just something they will have to deal with.

The upside through all of this is I certainly get a lot of work done.

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