“I am not well, readers. This is going to take some time to process. All I keep thinking is, “but.. who will I talk to,” or, “but who will be my tag team partner?” So many questions, and they will forever remain. No real answers will come. I was never a fan of, “God needed them more than we did.” That was always such a horrible response to anybody who loses someone, especially younger people.
I’m currently burying the hatchet with someone. I can’t go through with any of the litigation. I cared too much about that idiot to make him suffer, if you want me to be fully honest about it. I tried to, but things kept me too busy to worry, and then there’s that stupid part of my soul that doesn’t hate him, as much as he deserves it. There’s that stupid part of me that still cares, even though he’s not that good of a person. He’s not terrible. Just not good.
The person I lost liked him a lot, actually. I never really got the idea on why, and now I won’t ever know. I should have asked. I won’t hear from the ex friend, even now when I have lost someone who liked him, and it seemed as though the feeling was mutual. Not that I want to hear from him. I need time. Although a damn sympathy card wouldn’t kill anyone. But now I’m getting angry. I’m not even sure if the five stages of grief applies to me. I bounce all over the place in times like these, which is why I tend to pull away from everyone.
Should have. Could have. Wished I. . .
That’s how these moments happen. You lose someone, and it boils down to wishing you had done something different. We always say make sure you always let people know how you feel, lest you never get the chance. No day but today, right?
Still, I’m going to miss him. That much is clear. We all will. I may say I don’t want to talk, but I need it. Don’t listen to me. I just don’t understand why it had to be you. Out of all the people that could die, it had to be you. And that’s not fair at all.
A friend showed me a Cherokee song last night. I have always known this song, but she reminded me of it. I cried. I cried a lot. It was Amazing Grace, so not really a Cherokee song, but it was sang in Cherokee and it was beautiful, just like you were, and I’ll always be reminded of you with that.
Until we meet again, brother.”