Rest in Peace, Mom.

I haven’t updated in a long time, and I’m barely able to update right now.

On January 2nd, at approximately two in the afternoon, I received a facebook message from my Aunt, saying that my sister (she didn’t have my new phone number) needed me to call her ASAP.

I thought perhaps my mother had to make another trip to the ER, as she had been having issues with her COPD. She had been to the ER two days in a row, in fact, just earlier that morning (I say morning as it was just about midnight my time, and I am two hours ahead of them) my mom messaged me to explain that she wanted to let me know she was discharged from the ER once again, exacerbation of COPD, that she was having trouble breathing (why she went in.).

I made a joke. I said we all had plague here, and nobody could breathe.

So at approximately two in the afternoon, I look up at my boyfriend, and I said, “I wonder what the fuck this is about,” or something of that nature.

Side note: the entire day before, I felt ominous. I felt something bad would happen. I thought it would be related to a financial thing (bills bills bills). I even woke up with a horrific panic attack at approximately 6 a.m. that morning, thinking “Something bad is going to happen. I just know it.” I couldn’t breathe, I was sweaty and my heart was racing.

I dial my sister’s number, and it begins to ring.

She picks up on the second ring, “Jay?” (Obviously not my real name. She says my real name.)

“Yeah,” I reply. “What the hell is going on now?”

“Mom’s gone.”

Two words. Forever etched in my mind.

Mom’s gone.

I could tell her through her voice that there was nothing else to add. Not “to the hospital and it’s bad” or “to the store and she fell and is really hurt,” no.

Mom’s gone.

The most unexpected words that have ever hit my ears.

“What,” I cried out, causing everybody to come into the room I was in. “What do you mean she’s gone? WHAT HAPPENED?”

“I don’t know, I found her this morning–”


“Me and [my sixteen-year-old nephew] found her this morning. Jay, I have to go, the EMS and officers are still here, I will call you back.”

And with that, my world crashed. I hung up the phone, and looked up into my boyfriend’s eyes, just as my ex-husband, who is still very close to the family, and is good friends with my boyfriend, appeared in the doorway.


And for the next few hours, I cried in everybody’s arms. I cried sitting in my ex-husbands doorway, asking him, “What am I supposed to be doing?”

“Just what you’re doing right now.”

My sister eventually called me back, and unfortunately for me, and much to the dismay of my boyfriend and ex-husband, told me just how she was found, and likely what happened. It wasn’t peaceful, and that tears my soul apart. I went from thinking she had died in her sleep, to.. that. (No, it wasn’t a suicide or murder.)

So since January second, I have been in a deep state of mourning. Had I have had some warning like with my grandparents (calling hospice in is a pretty good warning. It gets you ready for the inevitable.), I don’t think this would be as bad.

My mother had spoken of what to do should she pass, and she didn’t want services, and only wanted to be cremated with a ring her father gave her, and we are doing just that, but I don’t think she would want to be carried around in a tin.

I am seriously angry with God, and have meant to go to a priest. It’s not fair. I wasn’t supposed to lose my mom yet. I was supposed to have her for another ten years at least. She was only sixty. I was supposed to have her as Sofia and me as Dorothy. That was supposed to happen, but God, in his infinite fucking wisdom, decided to take her from us without warning, and in a terrible way.


I’ve been trying to pull myself out of this depression, but I’m not sure how well it’s working. Some days I think I am okay, other days, like yesterday, certain songs would come on youtube and shatter me all over again.

“Don’t Fear the Reaper”

That song got me.

“Down to the river to pray,” and “I’ll fly away” got me.

And then “Into the West” by Annie Lennox sent me to the bathroom for twenty minutes.

I still don’t know what to do. It’s weird, because if I start to smile or enjoy something, in the back of my head, my own voice says, “Jay, your mother just died. How dare you sit there and play Red Dead Redemption? You’re a fucking monster.”

Despite my best efforts, I don’t think I’ll pull out of this for a while.

In any case, that’s my update. It’s not a good one. All new books (Did I mention I published a short romance called Alive Inside? If I didn’t, it’s on Amazon. Look it up.) are on a bit of a hiatus at this point.

I’m sure eventually I’ll be fine, but it’s going to be a while.

Rest in peace, Mom. I love you, and I hope you and your mother had a great reunion. Tell Gran and Pop hi for me.

She once said she wanted this played at her funeral, before she chose to not bother with services.

New book!


Long time no update! I have been very busy, not only preparing for weddings, but finishing up my third book!

“The Second Fate: Requiem” is a continuation of the first book, “The Second Fate: In Saecula Saeculorum,” that picks up in 1982, roughly seventy years after the events of the first book.  This book focuses on Jason and his former rival. I can’t say who that is here, unless you’ve read the first one, as it would be a spoiler. The events of this book will take us a couple of hundred years into the future, where we learn the fate of the world will take a devastating turn, which may not be able to be prevented. Yes, you really must read the first one to understand what is going on in the second one. There are only a few new characters, but it mostly focuses on Jason and the others that were introduced in the first one.

I’m happy to finally have this one finished. I had never intended for The Second Fate to become “The Second Fate Series,” but it has, as I am currently working on the third book, “The Second Fate: A Priori.”

You may be wondering what’s with the titles. Allow me to explain.

“In Saecula Saeculorum” means “Forever and Ever.”

“Requiem” is basically a mass repose of the dead

“A Prior” means “From what came before.”

Each of these Latin titles are hints as to what the book is about, and especially in the case of “Requiem,” combined with the cover, one should have a good idea of the events to come.

In other news, alongside finishing up “Requiem,” I am also currently working on a stand alone book called, “Alive Inside.” It’s set in a zombie apocalypse, but is more of a romance, and the zombies are merely the setting, as it focuses mostly on the two characters.

Carrie Spencer is a thirty year old hermit with a large fear of cops, due to what  one did to her a couple of years prior.

Dominick Nielsen is a twenty-five year old rookie cop that recently joined the force in the small town they both live in.

The novel will focus on their interactions, faults, and learning to trust each other, especially Carrie with Dominick.

Mind you, this novel isn’t finished, but I hope it to be done soon.

In any case, I hope life finds you well, and in closing, I shall leave you with a song that I came across a while ago on a video game called, “The Flame in the Flood.” I highly recommend it. It’s very different in it’s setting (Post Apocalyptic Mississippi River).

We miss you, Mohican. Even still.

And now I am getting married

In October.

What in the world? I said I would never do such a thing!

Well, it is happening, but it is not going to be like silly little “omg I am princess for a day, everything has to be expensive and perfect,” thing.

It’s medieval plague theme.

The person officiating will be dressed as a plague doctor. The rest of us will be wearing plague doctor masks.

And I think that’s pretty unique.

Also, I heard this song on a game the other day. Guess who it reminded us of?


I think he is alright with this.

All we are is what we leave behind

I’ve changed. A glorious change.

I decided to go back and read some social media posts from a few years ago.

I have changed, a lot. I don’t know who that person is, much like someone who hasn’t seen me in a few years is saying of me now.

They don’t know who I am. I am not the same.

In some ways this is good. I am a much tougher lady than I was two years ago, but in that, I care a lot less. In fact, unless it happens to somebody I know, I tend to not care. Back then, I had hope. I believed in love.

Ask me that now, and I will laugh at you. Love is nothing. Its tolerating a person you have known for a while. Its someone you don’t mind tolerating. That’s all love is.

I used to think it was so much more.

How naive I was!

Although, I am glad I have changed. I no longer blindly trust. I no longer let people take advantage of me. I stand up for myself. If I don’t want to speak to someone–I don’t. I used to speak just to be nice. I don’t care if I am nice now. People have come and gone since then, but those who have stuck around, despite my drastic change, I know truly care about me, unconditionally, and they get the same from me. All the “love” and support I can muster without looking like I used to.

My political stances have changed. Everything about me is different.

And I can pinpoint when all this happened. Late March of 2016.

He destroyed the person I used to be. I am so much better off. I didn’t see it that day. I was broken. But if I could travel back to that day and speak to the girl that once was, I would tell her, “just you wait and see who you will be in two years.”

She probably wouldn’t recognize me and I barely would her.

And I thank you so much for that, Gorenov.


Dear America: Have a salad

I just read a couple of articles that floored me. It kind of disgusted me. It also made me shake my head, and wonder what will happen in the next ten years.

Firstly, here is a nice warning for you. Your buzzwords have no effect on me. Try to keep that in mind before you flood the comments, calling me the inclusive buzzword of the day.

Now to start.

For the past several years, ever since I lost nearly one hundred pounds and hit a size eight to ten, I have wondered why I kept getting called a “skinny bitch.” Why was I continually being told I needed a cheeseburger, when I was such a normal size? See, I am five feet seven, so it is very average size, and sometimes I gain weight because I love tacos. When I gain weight, I hit one hundred and sixty pounds, which to me is overweight, at least by fifteen pounds.

So why then, why did so many say I was skinny? Why was I being told to eat more? In honesty, one of my relatives that I adore dearly had the audacity to tell me I looked like a meth addict due to being so skinny. They assumed, that since I had a drug addiction ten years ago, that I was on drugs again and that was the only reason I was skinny. Because who in their right mind would want to lose weight and be healthy, amirite? AmIrItE?

Well, I just recently found out.

The average American woman is now a size sixteen to eighteen.


She weighs an average of one hundred and eighty pounds.

Are. You. Shitting. Me?

Here’s where my warning from earlier comes in. You can call me a fat-shamer or fatphobic or something phobic all you want and it really has no effect on me.

America, have a salad. If we keep this trend up, in ten to twenty years, the average size will be a twenty-four. That’s morbidly obese no matter what height you are, but you can’t say anything, otherwise, you get called something this or something phobic. You get told beauty at every size.

Yeah, it’s going to be really gorgeous when eighty percent of Americans can’t even reach their shoes to tie them. It’s going to be really beautiful when the hospitals are clogged up because people are being admitted at a rapid rate for coronaries. It’s going to be so amazing when all the buildings have to be redone because the majority of America can’t fit through a damn door. And yes, I had a visitor not too long ago that had to step through my front door sideways. I swear, that character from “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” was screaming in my head.
“That’s a huge bitch.”

I mean, what’s going to happen when over half of America is on disability because they are too big to work? Yes, I know TWO PEOPLE who get disability for obesity. These people, who will probably stop talking to me after this, but hey, I didn’t say who you are. If you get offended, that’s your problem. If the shoe fits, or doesn’t in this case– back to the point. These people have mobility scooters. They get to park in the handicapped spot at the stores, when your handicap could be cured by walking a bit more. Those things are for people without legs. Those are for people with COPD due to smoking— what’s that you say? They gave themselves COPD? It’s their own fault they have it?

So did the obese people.

Don’t even give me the PCOS or Thyroid crap. Firstly, treatment for PCOS is, can you guess? Weight loss. That’s right. Secondly, just stop. PCOS at most causes a small weight gain, and not hundreds of pounds.

Yes, I am a bit ragey right now, but I was in utter shock. This is a huge health crisis that needs to be reversed.

As a child, I had a wonderful vision of the future. I dreamed of people in shiny space suits, blasting off from this planet to visit others. Much in the way of Star Trek, yes?

Well, at this rate, it’ll never happen. Everybody will exceed the weight limit and won’t be able to get on the spacecraft. What’s that? You say there won’t be a weight limit, because people can be just as healthy?

Then we won’t ever escape Earth’s gravity, will we?


Game recommendation

Firstly, I have to admit that my keyboard is broken, and I have yet to leave the house to get a new laptop, or just a new keyboard, so here you will find me typing out numbers and seeming very deadpan, as it is just the top numbers and symbols that do not work. I could win the lottery and post about it, and it will look like this:

I won the lottery. Yay.

So, if I come off as very bored, now you know why. I promise, eventually I will get out and get a new one, or at least order one from amazon.

Back to the original point.

Night in the Woods. Holy crap. What can I say about this game that hasn’t already been said? I finally finished it up, and I couldn’t be more satisfied with a game. Now, I will do my best to leave out any spoilers, so if you have yet to play it and don’t want anything spoiled, it is best you leave now.

The game centers on Mae Borowski as our playable character. She is a pansexual, college dropout.

Mae comes home to have a “return to normalcy” so to speak, only to find out everything and everyone, including her friends in Possum Springs, have changed. Her friends include a hyperactive fox named Greggory, Greg’s boyfriend, a large bear named Angus, and a gothic crocodile named Bea.

You spend the majority of this game hanging out with your friends, and when you just say that, it sounds boring, but it’s not. These characters are very deep, and incredibly interesting, and I have to admit that there is a certain scene with Gregg in the woods that brought on the tear factor. You really find yourself feeling bad for all of them, as they all have their own problems, and to top it all off, you find yourself identifying with them. Me? I am totally Bea, minus dressing in all black.

The center of the game revolves around solving a big mystery. The answer to this mystery is a death cult of dads.

I think what I really enjoyed about this is that it is a “coming of age” game, but not in the way one expects a coming of age anything to be. When most people hear that term, they think “Blue Lagoon” type stuff, with the growth from children to teenagers, etc. This is a coming of age from teenager to adult, and learning that nothing ever stays the same. The childlike innocence that we all go through and pine for will always turn into adult problems. Nothing ever stays the same.

To hammer home this point, and by far my favorite part of the game, is the music. I have no idea who did the music for the game, and I really should look into it, because this person is talented. There wasn’t one moment in the game where I felt the music was out of place. There were plenty of moments where the music tugged at your soul and fit so well, one can’t help but tear up.

There is a scene with Gregg out in the woods, and he and Mae are talking about his past. The music here, which I will link, was beautifully done, and even listening to it outside of the game, one will find themselves reminiscing a time long since passed. I certainly did. It made me long for the days when I was young, and would play with my sister and cousins up in my grandparents’ woods, back when life was easy. Since then both grandparents have passed on, and I at age thirty-three, am the youngest of the cousins. Time really does go by too fast, and before you know it, it’s all over.

Gregg’s Woods

In all honesty, and this is a huge thing for me to say, but I would put the music of this game right up there with Chrono Trigger.


I said it.

That’s huge, because Chrono Trigger is one of the best games ever made, and the consensus is that the music from the game is top notch.

I am not saying the music from Night in the Woods is better, but it is definitely right up there with one of the all-time greats.

Should you find yourself wanting a different kind of game, definitely give this one a shot. You’ll laugh. You’ll tear up, and when it’s over, you’ll feel a big sense of satisfaction, with a slight hole in your soul because you wish there were more. It’s definitely a game where you leave feeling like you know the characters on a personal level. They almost feel real.

And in a sense, they are, because you will see yourself and your friends in these characters. Even though they are walking, talking animals, they are the most human characters I have seen in a game, in such a long time.

And coming from my old ass, that says a lot.

Dirty Dancing — The remake.

This movie is SHIT!!!


We get it, ABC. You are so progressive! You are totally into that, “I am womYn, hear me ROAR,” shit. She wants to be a DOCTOR because HER DAD is one, and how DARE her sister want to be a HOUSEWIFE? LET US SHAME HER!

Know how I know this? Because that’s all Baby fucking talked about. The feminine mystique! How dude’s dance partner is brainwashed because there is power in letting go (being led during dance).

But that’s not what I am mad about.

I am mad because I am not a huge Dirty Dancing fan, and this movie managed to have me ready to commit Hari Kiri, because it is SHIT!!

The actors have no chemistry, what so freaking ever. The dude who played Johnny is like the Kristen Stewart of male actors, with one expression the entire time, and that expression was, “I have no idea why I am here.”

But ya know what, ABC? Remakes tend to blow. They usually always suck. That’s not what really set me off.

What really set me off is in a movie about dancing, nobody can fucking dance. You made me use the eff word. Nobody can effing dance. Even Nicole ICan’tSpellherlastname from the Pussycat Dolls is just… MEH. She looked so bored the entire time. Everybody looked so damn bored. Speaking of bored, I was more interested in her pregnancy/abortion angle, than ANYTHING else in this entire movie. For real. That was the more interesting part. I didn’t give nine shits about Baby’s parents, but you sure as hell made sure to tell me all about that.

But! But! I could have forgiven that. Want to know what my biggest gripe is? Do you really want to know? I am about to address the elephant in the room, quite literally. I am going to address something everybody else is afraid to, for fear of being called “something phobic,” or a “something shamer.”

That’s right. The actress who played Baby.

What were you thinking? She’s a great actress, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe her as a dancer. I take a look at her, and know that nobody will believe she is a part of that dancing crew that is supposedly employed by this place. Whereas Jennifer Gray at least looked like she could have been a full-time employee.

Remember, the full-time dancer ran off and got knocked up and had to get an abortion, so she couldn’t do it. They had to get a replacement. A replacement that is convincing to the crowd.

Abigail Breslin was too big to be Baby. Sorry, call me a shamer or whatever you want to (I used to weigh 250lbs, and I’m 145 now, so it seriously doesn’t bother me.), but I know I am correct, because in the iconic lift scene at the end, the actress has to push herself up off of his shoulders.

You read that right. She pushed herself up. If you go back and watch Jennifer Gray do it, she keeps her arms out from the second she “leaps” off the ground. Watch this one? She places her hands on his shoulders and quickly pushes herself up. Not to mention the look on her face looks like she’s surprised it all happened, too. Jennifer Gray, on the other hand, had the look of, “Yep. Nailed it!” Ya know, a look of confidence, like she knew she could do it the whole time.

Even during the lake scene, you could see dude was having trouble holding her up.

The thing is, Abigail Breslin isn’t fat at all. She’s a bit chubby, but it’s “normal” chubby. The other thing is dancers are very thin. Dancers are very lean.  They put their bodies through a lot of work. Jennifer Gray had a dancer’s build, and was believable. Why wasn’t the sister cast as Baby?


Did I mention this movie bored me to tears? You added nothing but padding and filler. Nothing was remotely interesting.  Just, what the hell were you thinking? THREE HOURS? THREE!

Is Hollywood officially out of ideas that they had to remake something that was a timeless classic? Did they actually think to themselves, “Hey, we can make this better. Let’s make Baby a raging feminist, because that’s the hip thing to do. Oh, and let’s make her chubby! Everybody will love it, because it is the current year and that is the in thing to do! Oh, and let’s make it a pseudomusical!”

As somebody said on twitter, “Somebody needs to put this movie in the corner and leave it there.”

ZERO stars out of Five.

Beauty and the Beast remake was better.

Gosh, it disturbs me to see this, Gaston.

Firstly, no I am not dead. I am alive and well. Apparently, I have not updated my facebook since February 28th, and I made mention that we were in for some awful storms.

So a few just assumed I was killed in a tornado.

I was not. I am fine.

Not really. I am not fine. Just yesterday, I saw the live-action “Beauty and the Beast” remake. I don’t even know where to begin, honestly, and what I could possibly say that other critics haven’t (I am not a critic. I am, however, a regular old citizen.)

Where to start?

Sorry, but I am about to bash Queen Emma. Her acting in this was so bland, boring and nonchalant. She reminded me of Kristen Stewart in “Twilight.” Rarely, did she show any facial expression to show how she was feeling, unlike in the animated version, where the animation was phenomenal, and we could easily move the story along by facial expressions alone.

Which brings me to how it dragged on. There was so much unnecessary filler that really didn’t add anything good or new to the story. The back story and the interaction with her father, in the beginning, I was HOPING would set the tone for the rest of the movie, but of course, it didn’t. The sad part is she had more chemistry with him than the beast.

It was very painted by numbers. You go here. You say this. You look here.

The whole thing was robotic and that’s not to say all of the actors were bad. Luke Evans did a fairly good job as Gaston and Ewan McGregor did great as Lumiere, even though his accent jumped all over the place, and yes I understand he is Scottish. To be honest, they saved the movie from me thinking it was a total crapfest, even though their singing left something to be desired, especially Queen Emma.

Don’t think I didn’t notice the autotune with her, movie. I did.

Why didn’t you just get singers and dub them (leaving out Ewan here. He actually did very well on “Be Our Guest.)?

Here come the spoilers, although why the fuck I should have to add a spoiler warning to this is beyond me.

So SPOILER WARNING (You should have seen the 1991 movie by now. I found out my kid hasn’t seen it. Guess what I’m planting him in front of when school is out?).

If you want a scene by scene remake of the 1991 original, without the charm and life that made it great, this movie is for you. There was very little added. We find out about Belle’s mother, and her father is less “crazy.” Gaston is a war hero.

That’s it. That’s what’s new aside from some new songs that made the movie drag on way too long.

The thing that really got me, and was entirely too noticeable was the message of, “HEY we love feminism! Look at Belle teaching a girl to read!” Yes, we are treated to a scene where Belle is doing laundry and teaches a young girl to read, and the townspeople just aren’t having that, so to retaliate, they toss her laundry everywhere. That will show her.

Not only was Belle boring and not charming, but Beast wasn’t either. He even got his own song, but it did absolutely nothing to further the story. It naturally flowed in the original, this had to push it along with needless songs. Beast also didn’t have an anger issue. Remember how he would shout, and growl every so often when people didn’t do as he wished?

Didn’t really happen here.

But you know who had an anger issue and it was actually pointed out by LeFou?


See, when her father wants to rescue Belle from the beast, Gaston is just like, “Ey, okay. We will help you. Why? I want to marry your daughter, that’s why!”

So they go looking for the castle, and they can’t find it. Something about a magic tree and Gaston loses his temper and ACTUALLY GOES TO KILL HER FATHER OUT OF NOWHERE. What the fuck?! It stops because LeFou goes, “Now, Gaston! Remember you have an anger issue! Remember the war? You like war!” (I paraphrased.)

… wut?

And ya know what happens after that? They tie him to a fucking tree and leave him for the wolves.

But he is rescued by Agatha, who is a tavern owner hobo.

And they all get back to the tavern, and Maurice is like, “Ey you tried to kill me.”

“No, we didn’t.”

Even Lefou goes, “Ehhh.. no that didn’t happen.”

*Head desk*

Remember the scene where Belle goes to the west wing? Remember how she goes up to the rose, opens the lid, and goes to touch it before the Beast accosts her with, “What are you doing?” and scares her out of the castle?

She didn’t get within ten feet of it before he freaks out and screams, “YOU COULD DAMN US ALL!?”

Geez, guy.

Remember the scene where he shows her the mirror and she sees her father being stuck in an asylum? The animation showed so much emotion there. You could see the pain and anguish in his face as he realized he loved her and he had to let her go to him. He even clutched the roses case before he bemoaned that she had to go to him.

In this? He just says, immediately after the mirror shows Maurice, “you must go to him!” No anguish. No inner conflict. Nothing. Just “GO TO HIM!”

Speaking of that, Gaston just wanted to kill the beast because, “Ey, BEAST COULD KILL US! BEAST EVIL! MUST KILL! I AM THE ANTAGONIST!”

As opposed to, “If I can’t have you, nobody can.”

Now I will give the movie some credit that at the end where everybody dies was pretty well done.

Oh yeah, they all died, or turned into inanimate objects, to be more specific. The last petal actually hits the ground, and it really is too late. We watch all the knick knacks in their last moments. We see and hear their despair as they feel themselves dying. Soon, they become immobile, stop moving, and they “die.”

At this point, I was like, “Woah. This is dark. That petal hit the ground. It’s over. Is this how they are going to end it? That’s.. pretty risky! Good job, movie!” In fact, it takes a good minute before Belle says, “I love you.”

But no, the enchantress who was actually Agatha the barkeep (Stevie Wonder saw that coming) pops in, sees the Beast earned a girl’s love and feels bad so she just reverses everything.

Nice Deus Ex Machina there, movie.

Seriously, it was not good at all. If this pisses you off, sorry. I hated it.

And don’t tell me I have to forget the original, and then I’ll like it. It’s kind of hard to forget the original when you are showing me a scene by scene remake of it and you keep reminding me that the original exists.

1.5 out of 5.

I only gave that extra half point because of the “everything dies” scene. Again, a few of the actors were great. Luke Evans did well, as did Ewan Mcgregor and the guy who played Maurice. There were a few chuckles with Lumiere, but overall it was quite forgettable, as you can tell by my complaints being all over the board, and bouncing from one point to another.

Also, where is my “gay shit?” I was promised a noticably gay character and a very gay moment between LeFou and Gaston.

Or did the director just say that to get a bunch of publicity and progressives to go and watch it?

If you watched the movie for that, man, you got jilted. I’d have demanded my money back.